Tuesday, March 18, 2008

For the Love of Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies and Of Course, The Dough

Without fail during every group fitness class, the Instructor/Torturer asks us "Why are you here?"

And the answers never cease to crack me up. Every. Single. Day.

First of all, I'm glad that some people are breathing with enough regularity to shout out their convictions amidst 60 other aerobicizers.

Personally, I want all of the friendly banter to just stop already AND GET ME AN OXYGEN TANK!

The first shouts I heard were all of the "Jesus" answers, like "To be healthy!" or "To feel strong!" or "To get fit!"


Those are lovely sentiments, but being healthy would never drag me to a barbell strength class where I am doing so many lunges that I can actually feel the muscles failing, twinging, and painting their microscopic faces a Braveheart Blue so they can join together and revolt against me the next morning.

Then the braver souls start to shout, "I'm here for swimsuit season!"

"To look good at my high school reunion!"

Again...wah wah wah wah wah wah. (I am trying to type the Charlie Brown teacher noise, but am not sure how to spell it. Apologies.)

Swimsuit season is compelling, for sure, but I have a little tip. Instead of dragging yourself to the gym every morning to lose maybe ten pounds, GET A TAN! QUICK! AND MAKE IT FAKE!

Because scientific polls have shown that one looks a little slimmer with a nice hint of tan. Or, if you're a body builder, a nice hint of unnatural dark brown combined with canola oil.

I am not in favor a tanning beds but I am highly in favor of Jergens lotion.

One little bottle of Jergens Express and you will feel like a svelte Greek goddess or at least her unsightly stepsister. I've been a believer in the Jergens Natural Glow for a few years now, but the recent discovery of Jergens Express amazes my highly refined tan-in-a-bottle sensory system.

Reports have come in from other users that the application made them a little orange, but thus far, my skin tone has withstood the intense color/moisture.

Thank goodness because I had a bowl of Founder's Favorite the other day and I do not think it is a diet-type snack.

In lieu of eating vegetables and rice cakes, I just applied some tinted lotion. And snake oil. Works for me!

So when Miss Perky asked the class about our motivation, I found it odd that I was the only one with the courage to say, "To eat more!"

Really, it is all about the food.

Because on the way to the gym today, what do you know?

My favorite fast food eatery was advertising a FREE BREAKFAST!

I turned in to the restaurant, hightailed it to the drive-thru window and said, "I'll have two of whatever you're giving away for free."

"That would be our chicken mini 3-packs."

That was my first sign today that God is with me in more ways than one. Because there is nothing on this earth that I love more than a Chick-fil-A chicken biscuit breakfast sandwich. And there were THREE of them. In one box.

Praise the Lord and pass the honey.

For ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY AT ALL! For FREE! For me! All because I can read signs held by cows!

I tried to discount the fact that it would take upwards of 700 barbell curls to counteract just one bite of chickeny, biscuity goodness. But that's ok. That's why I work out. For the molten lava cakes, the french toast, the bread pudding and um...et cetera.

Currently I'm on a Nightly Consumption of Chicken Enchiladas and Other Mexican Delicousness kick, but it will pass. And then I'll move on to something really healthy like granola mixed with Reese's chocolate eggs. Oh, I jest. I'll just eat the chocolate eggs.

So the moral of this post is:
1. Get a fake tan
2. Food Rocks

The End


Amy said...

Ok, I'm laughing so hard my coffee's getting cold, and I KNOW that's not what you want. ;-) THANKS FOR THE FULFILLMENT OF MY CRACK ADDICTION! ac

Mandie said...

NICE! That's why I like you so much...we reason the same.

Jessica said...

yeah...i love that jergens stuff. however, i am so PALE, that even the "light/fare" version makes me a little oompa-loompa-ish. sad but true. hasn't stopped me from using it in the summer, though!