Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Jonesing for Turkey

This post is here as warning. You'll be so glad after you've read this, I promise.

So, I was at the fine Honeybaked Ham establishment on Monday...out ahead of the crowd, getting my pre-baked oven-roasted Turkey a full 3 days before Thanksgiving.

As I pulled into the parking lot, all the handi-capable spots were filled, so I duly noted that the Olds were out en masse, no doubt getting their fake turkeys just like me. Plus, they don't have much on their schedules, except packing for all minor trips at least two weeks in advance.

Anyway...I walked into the Ham place and there, GUARDING the door, stood a Smokey Bear-esque Security Guard. At the Honeybaked Ham store. Also, I'm not exactly sure what type of "security" a kindly 70 year-old grandpa would provide. Show of force? Hmmm... Actual knowledge of weapons and speed enough to halt anyone under 65 trying to steal a ham? Right...

Seriously, are people that crazy? Do people get wild and unruly over pork and other fine meats? I just cannot believe it.

Granted, there were only a handful of patrons in the store and there was at least a 2:1 ratio between Ham Employees and meat seekers. Not exactly riot conditions.

There was also a Six Flagish security line (complete with velvet ropes) that wove back and forth to the front counter for miles. I'm just estimating, but it would have been about 6 paces from Barney Fife at the front door to the meat counter, as the crow flies. However, with the intricate system that some Ham Engineer had manuevered, it took upwards of five minutes to reach the Preliminary Ham (Turkey) Counter. (There was a convenient pit-stop for some Smoked Ham and Honey Mustard Sauce along the way, so that was a nice touch.)

At this point, you've noticed that I am CLEARLY out of touch with the Ham industry. Maybe I SHOULD be causing a ruckus and trying to be sneaky in the lingering lines at Honeybaked Ham. I never knew what a precious commodity these things are! Security? Long lines?

I know it's busy around the holidays and all, but this is taking things to a new level.

So, be careful. And whatever you do, DON'T try and cross Smokey at the Ham store. Or on second thought, DO, and see if he can match you step for step. (Happy Thanksgiving.)