If the Sign On The Door Says "Hooters," You Don't Have To Wonder What You'll Find Inside

No one has ever accused me of being super-intelligent, but today I confirmed all suspicions.

I thought it would be SUPER BIG BIRTHDAY FUN to take a six(!), four, and two year-old to an indoor play land.  Jackson requested it for his birthday and who am I to squelch a child's dreams? (Unless those dreams involve pet ownership, at which point I can't even pretend that it's a possibility.)

That's all well and good, but my first clue that chaos would ensue should've been in the name of the fine establishment that almost caused me to almost cry before lunchtime: Going Bonkers.

Y'all, don't take your kids there if you're looking for a latte and some serenity.

I was fooled because they advertised Free Wi-Fi! Sweet, I thought. I'll log on to my computer, answer email, and buy a cocktail dress online while the precious darlings play for three or four hours of uninterrupted bliss.

But just because the wi-fi is available, doesn't mean that one actually gets to use it. It was like the worst bait-and-switch in history.

Awesome.

Apparently I forgot what it's like to bring three kids to The Land of Crazy and I clearly didn't heed the warning printed in bright, primary-colored paint all over the building--GOING BONKERS.

It's not so much a business name, but a warning to leave your sanity and all remaining brain cells you hold dear at the door.

So in we trouped and got the kids playing while Papa and I unfolded our laptops and prepared for some serious productivity.

Well, you know the drill...within two minutes my flops were kicked off and I was sweating as I army crawled my way to the top level of this ginormous play apparatus. (Think of any indoor playland you've ever seen doped up on steroids like a German cyclist.)

The distance between the nets is conveniently about a foot high. Since I am slightly taller than that, I alternated between shuffling along with my knees bent and bear walking. 

Have you bear-walked farther than ten feet lately? No, you have not because it is uncomfortable in the same way that being stowed in a small suitcase and thrown into the cramped cargo section of a an airplane leads to muscle soreness.

(Although on Monday, my total conditioning instructor had us bear-walk forwards, backwards, and sideways ALL THE WAY AROUND THE TRACK and I cursed her in my head the entire time.)

(But I will take it back if it makes my butt shrink.)

The "cool" thing about Going Bonkers (the business, not my mental state) is that the jumping and bouncing features are on the tippy top level of this indoor asylum! So even though I sweat roughly a gallon of water getting to the penthouse of the playland, the "FUN" didn't begin till I began bouncing while holding my precious 2 year-old niece at approximately 30 feet above ground.

If at this juncture, you are picturing Going Bonkers as somewhere you and your kids would like to visit, then I've done a terrible job painting a picture with words.

Because you do not want to go. Trust me.

Jackson sustained a black eye when he and another kid accidentally head-butted as well as a back injury when he flew off the zip line (again, located on the highest level for easy access in case of emergencies.)

Rylie was great, but only because she was mesmerized my a giant machine/game/cavity-inducer that twirled huge amounts of Willy Wonka candy in front of her. That is really unfair to someone who can barely pronounce "sweet tarts."

Lilly actually managed to come out unscathed other than the two incidents in which she was sure she broke all of her toes.

Then she met her soul mate:

Just delightful.

But don't worry, interneters. The kids had a blast and there is nothing that a chocolate milkshake and a lot of video games at Red Robin can't fix. (Jackson appreciated seeing his Papa and I battle at "Galaga" as part of his genealogical journey to discover his mad video gaming roots.)

My stupidity, however, is far beyond repair.